socialcapital | [ JACKSON HEART ]

Harmonious relationships are work. They are not things that happen by chance.

I consider you worth the effort.

"Don't be afraid to ask me if you need anything too. I've got a lot I can do!"

And no awareness at all of everything you have already done.

"Well..."

He pauses, thinking about it.

"If you don't think it's uneven then it's probably fine. I'm a bad judge of that."

I find that hard to believe. Isn't balancing credits and debits one of your areas of strength?

"Yeah, but financially! I've never had a relationship before!"

[He called it a relationship!]

[Remain calm. It's just the manifestation of his heart. This is normal and fine.]

I suspect it's more that you've never had reason to critically and favourably examine your actions toward others before. Especially given how much of your previous "value" was tied to your music.

"And I'm not used to trusting people or accepting help or anything so I don't actually know where to stop with it. There's a point where it's too much, right? Like too much receiving and not enough giving? I'm really familiar with the other end of that scale, but... I dunno. I know you'd tell me if I was starting to be like - not worth it. Right?"

Is that where your concern lies...? That I would reach the point of emotional bankruptcy without your knowledge?

"Not... bankruptcy, just... 'a bad investment', I guess, in this metaphor."

[He nods, taking a very deliberate moment to think about Umbra's words.]

If there ever comes a point where I tell you that you are not worth it, I very humbly request that you first rule out all chance of possession, impersonation, or coercion before you even begin to consider believing it.

He flusters a bit.

"Okay, okay. I will."

That said, I do wish to address your concerns properly.

I am able to be clear in explaining my actions because those actions have been deliberate. My grasp of human emotion is learned, not natural. Even in my Estorian life, I spent years avoiding connections, not fostering them.

You changed that.

You were one of the very first people my Estorian self could relate to. Even before our visions woke the other parts of our identities -- no one else I'd known could understand what it was to leave an identity buried behind them. Or to have led a life that would make such a dramatic break necessary.

More than that, you were intelligent, and perceptive, and valued financial security. You responded to my reluctance to speak of my past and my fears about your Family's reputation by very deliberately putting that mystery aside, and leaving it unexplored until I surfaced it on my own.

You procured and learned to cook steaks after I mentioned them in passing. You've talked of wanting to travel, and of sharing that journey with me. You shared your visions with me even when they held repeated references to your true name. You were the first and only person I thought to turn to when the balance of my bank account changed beyond my understanding.

I cannot deny that, for a human, you are attractive beyond reason. Nor will I deny the comfort it brings me to know that your lifespan will potentially equal or even surpass my own. But neither of these were deciding factors on their own.

[It's his turn, now, to cup Umbra's cheeks -- to hold his face so their eyes can meet.]

I want you because of you. The complex, strong, fragile heart that rests at the core of everyone you have been.

Saying all of that direct to the heart in question does make him emotional again.

"Oh."

He pauses, bringing his hands up to cover Satin's.

"Well. You have me. I love you and want to stay with you for a long time. You're sweet and thoughtful and deliberate and hardworking. You're cute and fussy and silly sometimes too. You make me feel safe and happy and cared for. I like being around you."

That is already more than I hoped for. Just to be welcome in this garden of yours is enough.

[He leans up, placing a light kiss on Umbra's forehead.]

"I'd say you're welcome any time, but, um... metaphorically only, maybe. I don't know how you'd manage an actual second visit."

I would prefer if it were only metaphorical. You're more vulnerable like this than I would like.

"Well, it would be pretty sad if I couldn't be vulnerable inside my own heart..."

It would be. Here, more than anywhere, you should be able to be however you wish.

[He frees a hand to brush Umbra's bangs away from his eyes.]

If your secret fear is that you are not doing enough to keep me with you, mine is that I will hurt you in some way you won't recover from.

"... Historically, I've been pretty resilient about recovering from stuff... I don't know if you could? At least, not without deliberate effort, I think..."

And historically, you have been beyond generous with me, and supported me without even deliberately setting out to do so.

But your fear remains, doesn't it?

"Well, yeah. I guess it's fair to worry a little even if you know you won't do it."

Not consciously.

[He pokes Umbra's round, baby-like cheek.]

Humans are very soft. And you're very young. And the spark growing its power within you is still barely a Flowers Cycle seedling.

He puffs it up a little, reflexively.

"I can't argue that humans are kind of soft, but I'm at least a cute little flower, powers-wise."

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